Hollow Man

pride rides my back like a gargoyle
while an angelic voice calls me back w/ gentle rebuke
w/ hunger pains & watery tongue I run
to dance w/ my demon
giving another foothold for the enemy to climb
my angelic love struggles
pulling me up the hill
in a cart I fill w/ sin
it flows like a rushing mill
she labors in doubt
as my heart cries out
for a host to help from above
come invade my raid
release me from these glutton's shackles
tear down these prison walls
knock me out of the cart
help me to rejoin my union
never again to pull the cart alone
gluttoness demons lose their grip
slipping away to their hunger pit
Angels rejoice to the victory at hand
as Jesus still loves this Hollow Man

- Mark A. Behr
9-6-09

Testing Our Spiritual Growth

If you haven't already guessed school is back in session. I got out of a class called "Spiritual Formations." It has left a lasting impact on me today and is forcing me to ask myself some hard questions about my walk with the Lord. I don't know that I have ever asked myself these questions, or at least in a way that I have simply taken the time to contemplate them and seek God to simply guide me through them. These questions usually come out when I am lost in a fit of rage, dispair, or even self loathing i.e. feeling sorry for myself. We are reading a book called "Invitation To A Journey" By: M. Robert Mulholland Jr. If you have never read this book I challenge you to pick it up.
The question is this: Are you more loving, more compassionate, more patient, more understanding, more caring, more giving, more forgiving than you were a year ago?.............. As I look at the things listed in this question my gut reaction is to cringe. The events that pop up in my mind are all the times that I have not been loving, compassionate, patient, understanding, caring, giving, or forgiving. I have really been chewing on this question for a while now, and as I look deeper into it, another thought arises. When I ask each of these questions I think about the people in my life that I would respond to in these ways and the people I know I definitely do not respond to in any of these ways. Then there are the people in my life to whom I respond to in both ways.
When I think about whether or not I am more loving than I was a year ago, I would say, "Ask my wife, that is where you will find the truth in that question." When it comes to other people I can definitely say that I have not lived that out in my daily life. Yet, deep in my heart that is where I want to be. I could even sheepishly say that I am trying to be more loving and all those other things. I just don't know how successful. There are people in my life whom I am without a doubt not understanding with, I am impatient with and the longer I am around them the less patient and compassionate I become.
I can do all the praying and reading of scripture I want. If I do not carry that with me the rest of the day then it was really done in vein. For instance this morning I became very impatient with a person for whom I truly do not like. The more he spoke the more indignant I became. It was kind of strange that it was less than hour before then I was praying that God would fill me with compassion and love and kindness and that I would live out His word today. It is amazing how quickly I can leave me prayers at home on the shelf waiting to be lifted back up again before I go to sleep.
So if these are the terms that I would lay out to measure my spiritual growth in the last year the most honest answer that I can give would be in some of these areas I feel like God has really taken over. In other areas I continue to struggle, and yet with some I continue to struggle well.
I think with asking myself these kinds of questions, God helps me to learn how to struggle well with them. It teaches me how to rely solely on God for strength that I think I might have. It is learning how to release that control into His hands. It is truly a freeing experience to get out of God's way and let Him do His work in me. I won't let you know when I have arrived, hopefully Christ will shine through and I will not be so worried about measuring my level of spirituality. I will be too in awe of what Christ is doing.
So today ask yourself these questions. Wrestle with them. Open yourself up enough to allow God to help you wrestle well and find your freedom in giving up the control. Have a great day.