Hollow Man

pride rides my back like a gargoyle
while an angelic voice calls me back w/ gentle rebuke
w/ hunger pains & watery tongue I run
to dance w/ my demon
giving another foothold for the enemy to climb
my angelic love struggles
pulling me up the hill
in a cart I fill w/ sin
it flows like a rushing mill
she labors in doubt
as my heart cries out
for a host to help from above
come invade my raid
release me from these glutton's shackles
tear down these prison walls
knock me out of the cart
help me to rejoin my union
never again to pull the cart alone
gluttoness demons lose their grip
slipping away to their hunger pit
Angels rejoice to the victory at hand
as Jesus still loves this Hollow Man

- Mark A. Behr
9-6-09

Testing Our Spiritual Growth

If you haven't already guessed school is back in session. I got out of a class called "Spiritual Formations." It has left a lasting impact on me today and is forcing me to ask myself some hard questions about my walk with the Lord. I don't know that I have ever asked myself these questions, or at least in a way that I have simply taken the time to contemplate them and seek God to simply guide me through them. These questions usually come out when I am lost in a fit of rage, dispair, or even self loathing i.e. feeling sorry for myself. We are reading a book called "Invitation To A Journey" By: M. Robert Mulholland Jr. If you have never read this book I challenge you to pick it up.
The question is this: Are you more loving, more compassionate, more patient, more understanding, more caring, more giving, more forgiving than you were a year ago?.............. As I look at the things listed in this question my gut reaction is to cringe. The events that pop up in my mind are all the times that I have not been loving, compassionate, patient, understanding, caring, giving, or forgiving. I have really been chewing on this question for a while now, and as I look deeper into it, another thought arises. When I ask each of these questions I think about the people in my life that I would respond to in these ways and the people I know I definitely do not respond to in any of these ways. Then there are the people in my life to whom I respond to in both ways.
When I think about whether or not I am more loving than I was a year ago, I would say, "Ask my wife, that is where you will find the truth in that question." When it comes to other people I can definitely say that I have not lived that out in my daily life. Yet, deep in my heart that is where I want to be. I could even sheepishly say that I am trying to be more loving and all those other things. I just don't know how successful. There are people in my life whom I am without a doubt not understanding with, I am impatient with and the longer I am around them the less patient and compassionate I become.
I can do all the praying and reading of scripture I want. If I do not carry that with me the rest of the day then it was really done in vein. For instance this morning I became very impatient with a person for whom I truly do not like. The more he spoke the more indignant I became. It was kind of strange that it was less than hour before then I was praying that God would fill me with compassion and love and kindness and that I would live out His word today. It is amazing how quickly I can leave me prayers at home on the shelf waiting to be lifted back up again before I go to sleep.
So if these are the terms that I would lay out to measure my spiritual growth in the last year the most honest answer that I can give would be in some of these areas I feel like God has really taken over. In other areas I continue to struggle, and yet with some I continue to struggle well.
I think with asking myself these kinds of questions, God helps me to learn how to struggle well with them. It teaches me how to rely solely on God for strength that I think I might have. It is learning how to release that control into His hands. It is truly a freeing experience to get out of God's way and let Him do His work in me. I won't let you know when I have arrived, hopefully Christ will shine through and I will not be so worried about measuring my level of spirituality. I will be too in awe of what Christ is doing.
So today ask yourself these questions. Wrestle with them. Open yourself up enough to allow God to help you wrestle well and find your freedom in giving up the control. Have a great day.

The Queen of My Heart

There are many secrets locked in my heart
only she has the key
she sees beyond my frayed edges
she loves me
despite my ragamuffin soul

the only sadness
are the moments apart
and the anticipation of her return

With a practical heart
& compassion that doesn't end
the queen of my heart
draws me in like a love sick pup

With her my inspiration cannot fade
led by the Spirit and molded by the Father
she taught me how to pray
drawing us ever closer

Focused on the love of Jesus
at the center of our bond
my pride evaporates
at the sound of her gentle tones

it is a love that does not end
rooted deep by the love of the Lamb

Mark A. Behr
8-4-09

Love -- Forced or Freely Given

This is a topic that has come up more than once in the last few months in different conversations. I absolutely believe in the sovereignty of our God. He is sovereign over all things and consequently is able to "make" us love Him. In thinking about this and listening to the thoughts of others, I have come to the conclusion that I don't believe that God chooses people to love Him, but has paid the sacrifice for ALL men to have the freedom to come to Him and choose to love Him. No, it's not because we in and of ourselves have anything good that makes us love Him, but because we've all been created in His image and so He put within each one of us a longing for Him. Unfortunately, some turn to other things to fill this void, but each one has the freedom to come to Him and accept the gift that He has freely given us ("God so loved THE WORLD" -- not just those that He has chosen to accept Him). If He was choosing (i.e. making) us to love Him, is that really love? He didn't create us to be robots because relationships are not about force, but about a mutual desire for communion. We've all been created with this desire, but not all choose Christ to fulfill that desire. That desire under the curse of sin has run a muck just as everything else here on earth is affected by the result of sin.

Thank You, Jesus, for the gift of salvation! Thank You, Father, for the freedom that we have to come to You and accept this gift! Thank You also for the many people in my life who prayed for me and desired for me to know You in a personal way! I love You!

On The Edge of a Storm

So many times life feels like we are on the edge of a storm. The other day Rachel and I really were on the edge of a storm. We were driving home from grocery shopping and it had been sunny everywhere we had been. Then we could see these big dark storm clouds overhead in the distance. I thought, man, we're going to drive right into it. It was really quite fascinating because we were right on the edge of it. We were just close enough to see the rain, but not close enough to get hit by it.

I then started to think, how often is life like this moment? We can see the storms in view. Do we run from the storm or find shelter? In the literal sense most people do. Then there are just a few out there who instead of avoiding the storms in life, they trudge forward and press on trusting that God is going to help them grow even when the thunder is rolling and the lightning is striking all around them.

I think that is an important moment for spouses in their marriages too. Marriage has storms just like the rest of life. We all have the choice of how we are going to respond. We can avoid the storm by burying ourselves in our work or play, but too often that is when the thunder crashes between two people. We can play it safe and walk on egg shells just to make sure there are no conflicts within the relationship and still never deal with any struggles. Or you can pull together as a couple and be a team by facing the storms together.....not against each other.

Our greatest weapon, or in this case, umbrella in the storms is prayer. I firmly believe in the old cliche' "A Family that prays together, stays together." If Christ is not the center of the relationship, then how can we build our marriages on the rock. A relationship that is not covered in prayer and that does not have Christ at the center is usually walking on shifting sand. Even when all these things are in place, it is still easy to become self-centered if we are not careful. We as couples have that choice to make on how we are going to respond when we reach those moments in our marriages or any relationship for that matter. We need to be praying more each day for our marriages and our friend's marriages that Jesus will truly be the center and the glue that holds us together whenever storms come near.

I love Ephesians 5:22-33. Unfortunately it is a piece of Scripture that gets under read. Most of us men stop reading after verse 23 and go, "Yeah submit to me for I am the head over you." We neglect to keep reading where it says LOVE your wives as CHRIST LOVES the church. It says we need to give ourselves up....for our wives. It also says we need to cleanse our wives with God's Word.....So does that mean they have to be worthy of our love?!! I think NOT! We are called to encourage and love them as well as become the men that God has created us to be for our wives. We are called to adore our wives and to present them as a radiant church. So before we get into our little macho attitudes, I think we need to look deeper into what the Word says. Yes, wives submit to your husbands and give him the respect he needs, but husbands, we really need to step up and be worthy of that respect. There are too many of us who are willing to die for our wives, but are not willing to do the dishes or make a meal.

Doing the little things can help prevent storms, or if you can see the storm ahead, drive forward and face that storm with the love that you have professed on your wedding day. These are just some thoughts that I had after seeing all of the thunderstorms (real literal thunderstorms) here in Knoxville the past few weeks.

Sometimes it's the storms where God helps us grow the most.

Reflection of My Heart

Fridays are actually tough days for me because I often lack direction. My natural bent is to sit in front of the television watching movies or spend countless hours on facebook. For the past couple of months Rachel and I have been reading through the Psalms and Proverbs when we get up in the morning and they have been making a real impact on our daily lives. Today reading Proverbs 19 rang even deeper in my heart than it ever has before.
In my struggle on Friday morning to focus on anything that is constructive I have really tried this morning to put my focus on my relationship with Christ by reading over the Proverb again and then going to my devotional book "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers who I now call "Uncle Oswald." The Proverb spoke on many things about being a sluggard and how it causes us more detriment than anything else. "Laziness brings on deep sleep, and the shiftless man goes hungry," v.15 This particular verse really echoes how I have spent my last few Fridays this summer. I really struggle not to be lazy. My heart desires to honor God but my actions prove a desire to only please myself.
Another issue that I often struggle with is trying to have control of my life. Instead of surrendering that control over to God. We often try to make our own plans for our life together Rachel and I, then we take our plan to God only to find out He usually has something far different or greater than we could have ever imagined. vs. 21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. We can try to make all the plans we want but we must first surrender anything we do over to God first before anything else. No matter what we do God's purpose is going to prevail in our lives. Does that mean we never make any plans? No of course not, but we must remain flexible to God's will in our lives whenever we do. It reminds me of an earlier Proverb that our friend John Newbury shared with me on more than one occasion. Proverbs 16:9 In his a heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. My desire as I plan my course today is to be open to the Lord determining my steps as I go about my day. May you be open to the Lord determining your steps as you plan your course today.

End Note: If you have a copy of Utmost for His Highest read today June 19. It has some really profound thoughts to chew on along with these other verses from Proverbs. Have a great day everyone..

Mark

Why Do We Fear?

"But God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." II Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

This is a verse that was taught to me during Teaching Bible class at Pensacola Christian College by Mr. Bower, and it has had a profound impact on my life in so many ways! Fear has been a natural part of my life since I was a young child. I believe the enemy of our souls saw my first moment of fear and pushed his way in knowing that he could use fear to control my mind and heart. I clearly remember fearing that I had been the cause of my sister contracting spinal meningitis when I was only five years old because of not watching her close enough and letting her eat some dirt while we were outside. That is my first recollection of fear and anxiety and it's been preying on my mind ever since then! I used to lie in bed at night stiff as a board fearing intruders with every noise or I would fear our home starting on fire and so I would plan in my little head how I would be able to rescue all of my family members from the flames. My sister (the younger one of us) can tell you stories of a flying object directed at her bed during thunder storms. Now, it would be easy to say that these are just common childhood fears, but the truth of the matter is that God does not desire us to fear, but our enemy does! He does not discriminate on the basis of age or anything else. If he can reel you in on his line of fear, he will do it in a heartbeat. And if he can set up a pattern for fear in your life, the earlier he can get started the better! Anxiety is a natural reaction for me now as an adult, but God has been showing me and helping to free me from this bondage to fear and anxiety. My journey to freedom began about a year or so ago and it continues until this day and will probably continue until I meet my Savior face to face. It began after hearing a message about how anxiety is a sin where we in essence say to God that He is not big enough or sovereign enough to take care of the things that are in my life. (I do want to say that sometimes extreme anxiety is due to a chemical imbalance that needs to be treated by a medical doctor, but I am speaking of the "normal" anxiety that many face.) Many times, I have shouldered things that were never my burden to carry, but the Lord's! The Lord revealed this area of sin in my life and I began to confess all of the times that I remembered being anxious throughout my life at different points. I then began this journey that is a daily if not moment by moment battle for me. Some days when I am leaning on my own understanding and strength, the anxiety and fears overwhelm me, but more days are spent learning to trust the Lord in new and amazing ways! He is soooooooo trustworthy and so desires for us to trust Him! He says in Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." So my encouragement for the day is to trust His hand to help you today and to hold you up throughout the day. Also, remember that "God has NOT given us the spirit of fear, but of POWER, and of LOVE, and of a SOUND MIND." (II Tim. 1:7) Be strong in Him, my friends, and He will carry you through!